Dolphins: The Collapse Of Bitcoin

2 min readFeb 13, 2022

On Feb 13, 2022, a new Bitcoin attack vector was discovered by a pseudonymous Twitter contributor.

ob_hodl formerly known as crypto_pirate is raising a concern about the Bitcoin reserves of the dolphin society. I verified his claim and indeed there are a worrisome number of boating accident reports in the Bitcoin community: only in this Reddit thread hundreds of users are reporting about their boating accidents. The situation is the same in other social media platforms.
The question is: how many bitcoins could the dolphins potentially own?

Based on Chainalysis’ dataset, dolphins have accumulated potentially up to 3.7 million bitcoins and counting. This is 1/4 of the total Bitcoin supply that will ever exist.

Dolphin Psyop Conspiracy

Silence From Bitcoin Core

I reached out to Pieter Wuille, Bitcoin Core contributor and maintainer, but no comment was made on the matter.

Censorship at Core?

I investigated Bitcoin Core’s repository and I did not find a single mention of “dolphins.” One can only assume the censors are hard at work.

Anonymous Bitcoin Wallet Sides With Dolphins

A Bitcoin neutrality debate was sparked by the most popular privacy focused Bitcoin software: Wasabi Wallet took the side of the dolphins, making wannabe competitors questioning if Wasabi Wallet is actually ran by marine mammals?

Fundoz Are Safu

To avoid misunderstandings, it’s important to note that dolphins did NOT hack Bitcoin. If you did not lose your coins in a boating accident, you have nothing to worry about.

To protect against dolphin attacks, make sure to properly backup your wallet by writing down your recovery words. More often than not, you should be able to rescue your funds before the dolphins get there.